Too Hexy For Her Wand Read online

  Too Hexy For Her Wand

  Susan Hayes

  Copyright © 2020 by Susan Hayes

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.

  This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.

  The Author of this Book has been granted permission by Robyn Peterman to use the copyrighted characters and/or worlds created by Robyn Peterman in this book. All copyright protection to the original characters and/or worlds of the Magic and Mayhem series is retained by Robyn Peterman.

  Contents

  Foreword

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Epilogue

  More from Susan Hayes

  About the Author

  Foreword

  Blast Off with us into the Magic and Mayhem Universe!

  * * *

  I’m Robyn Peterman, the creator of the Magic and Mayhem Series and I’d like to invite you to my Magic and Mayhem Universe.

  * * *

  What is the Magic and Mayhem Universe, you may ask?

  * * *

  Well, let me explain…

  * * *

  It’s basically authorized fan fiction written by some amazing authors that I stalked and blackmailed! KIDDING! I was lucky and blessed to have some brilliant authors say yes! They have written brand new stories using my world and some of my characters. And let me tell you…the results are hilarious!

  * * *

  So here it is! Blast off with us into the hilarious Magic and Mayhem Universe. Side splitting books by fantabulous authors! Check out each and every one. You will laugh your way to a magical HEA!

  * * *

  For all the stories, go to https://magicandmayhemuniverse.com/. Grab your copy today!

  And if you would like to read the book that started all the madness, Switching Hour is FREE!

  https://robynpeterman.com/switching-hour/

  Chapter One

  Fern staggered through her front door laden with the spoils of her week-long shopping spree. She was tired but still cruising on the high that only came after a successful bout of retail therapy. “Home with two minutes to spare. Told you we’d make it.”

  Following behind her was a train of bags, boxes, and parcels soaring through the air like floats in a tiny but costly parade.

  At the rear of the lineup of brand-name bounty walked an elegant black Persian cat, her fluffy tail twitching from side to side like a disapproving pendulum. “We should have been back hours ago.”

  Fern shrugged at her familiar and fell into the nearest chair with a contented sigh. The international shopping spree had been fun, but it was good to be home. Her penthouse was so much bigger than any hotel room, and all her favourite things were here.

  “You wanted us home by midnight. We’re here. I don’t see the problem, Tiff-Tiff. Why are you so cranky tonight?”

  “I am not cranky.” The cat sniffed and leapt lightly onto her bed, which was crafted to look like a hot-air balloon tethered several feet above the ground. The basket formed a cat-bed but also served as a viewing platform that overlooked the cityscape captured like living art by the floor-to-ceiling windows.

  “Want to bet?” Fern waved her hands, sending shimmering waves of green sparks flowing from her fingertips. Two empty dress racks popped into existence, and she watched with satisfaction as, one by one, her purchases left their bags and hung themselves in neat rows. Her new shoes walked themselves over and settled into pairs on the floor where she could admire them.

  Her familiar perched in the middle of her bed, her golden eyes wide. “There was a reason I asked that we come home sooner. I can’t say much, but I wanted to prepare you—”

  Whatever Tiff was about to say was obliterated by the chorus of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

  Swirling globs of neon lights spun across her artfully painted walls in eye-gouging shades of pink, lime, and orange, as several pounds of glitter drifted down from her ceiling in a vertigo-inducing fog.

  “What the fuck is happening?” Fern shrieked, hardly able to hear herself over the noise.

  As if in answer, a loud pop of streamers and yet more glitter exploded into existence in the middle of her living room. They added another layer of the iridescent sand to the tiny dunes transforming her parquet floor into a sparkly miniature desert and burying her new purchases.

  “My shoes!” she squealed, dark green sparks crackling around her fingers like angry fireflies.

  She threw out her hands and chanted.

  “By the Goddess in her grace,

  Get this crap out of my place.

  Glitter be gone, every scrap, every trace,

  Send it all to outer space.”

  There was a rush of wind like someone had turned on a giant vacuum, and seconds later, only a few glittering traces of the stuff were left floating around. She briefly wondered what glitter would do to any satellites it crossed orbits with but then dismissed the thought as she remembered what was really important—her new clothes.

  She ignored the present draped with streamers still sitting in the middle of her floor and rushed to the dress racks. “They’re all going to need to be dry cleaned, and I haven’t even worn them yet!”

  Tiff had avoided the worst of the glitter storm, but a few suspicious sparkles glinted in her silky black fur, and she looked even crankier than before. “That woman is certifiable,” she muttered to herself, twitching her tail indignantly.

  “What woman?” Fern didn’t know what the hell was happening, but apparently, her familiar did. She turned to stare at her cat. “What do you know?”

  Tiff gave her a frustrated look and then hopped off her bed and padded over to the gift box half-buried in lime green streamers. She swatted a few of them aside and tapped the neon green and yellow plaid wrapped parcel beneath. “You need to open this.”

  “You’re worrying me. What is all this?” She flipped her blonde hair over one shoulder, zapped a couple of cushions from the couch to the floor, and sat down beside her familiar, suddenly wanting to be close to her oldest and dearest friend.

  Tiff sighed. “Happy birthday, Fern. All this is why I wanted to get home earlier, but you wouldn’t listen.”

  Worry ticked up a few more points and tipped the scales into fear. “If it was so important, why wait until now to say anything?”

  “Because I couldn’t. Some promises have to be kept.”

  “You’re my familiar. Your job is to help me. Why would you make a promise like that?” Tiff was the only one she trusted to have her best interests at heart. At least, that’s how it was supposed to be. When she’d been orphaned and left on her own, Tiff-Tiff had been there. In the ever-changing social whirl of her life, Tiff had been the only constant.

  “I had to.” Tiff placed a paw on her knee. “Just open it.”

  She pulled it toward her, ripped off the Goddess-awful paper, and lifted the lid with the same
trepidation she used to have when playing with a jack-in-the-box. Any second, something was going to fly out and scare her.

  Only it didn’t.

  She leaned over and looked inside. There was another box. Or no, a tin, with a bright orange envelope sitting on top. It was battered, white, and covered with stick-on jewels and glitter glue. Across the top, someone had written “Fern’s Treasure Box” in black block letters.

  Memories flooded in, flowing from some locked-away corner of her mind and filling her head with fragments of a hundred different childhood moments. A woman with a kind voice. A man with a warm laugh. A tin full of secrets and cherished treasures. “This is mine.”

  “You remember it?” Tiff asked.

  “Sort of. It’s all jumbled up, but yes.

  Tiff sagged against her in relief. “That’s good. That you remember, not that it’s jumbled. Give it some time. It should all come back.”

  Fern lifted the tin out and set it on her lap. “What’s coming back, Tiff? What is happening to me?”

  “You’re starting to remember who you were.”

  “Don’t be silly. I already know who I am. I’m Fern Wilkinson. I have a trust fund, fabulous hair, and amazing taste in clothes.” Even as she said it, something stirred in the dusty corners of her mind, a whispered protest that no, that wasn’t who she was—not entirely. She ignored it.

  Tiff’s tail twitched. “Not exactly.”

  Coils of something cold and slimy wrapped around her insides and squeezed. She stared at the tin in her lap. It seemed heavier now, and the sense of dread she’d felt before was back, only now the dial was turned up to thirteen. “Explain.”

  “I can do that, or you can open the card and the tin first. It might help.”

  “Won’t you at least tell me who sent all this?” A long-lost relative? A friend from boarding school? Her party wasn’t for hours yet, so why send the present early?

  “It’s from Baba Yaga.”

  Fern’s reality derailed into a tangled pile of wreckage. “Repeat that, please? Because I thought I heard you say that the high freaking witch, glorious leader of all, second only to the Glorious Goddess herself, sent me a birthday present.”

  “She did.”

  “Ice cream. I’m going to need ice cream.”

  “Don’t forget the Baileys. And maybe some Kahlua, too,” Tiff said.

  “It’s like that. Is it?” Fern wiggled her fingers and conjured up a bowl of rocky road with a healthy dollop of both liqueurs already added.

  She popped a heaping spoonful into her mouth and opened the envelope. Inside was a card with two kittens tangled up in a ball of yarn and “Hope your birthday is a ball,” emblazoned across the top. Inside were the usual birthday wishes and a handwritten note.

  Happy Birthday Fern,

  The time has come for you to go home and reclaim your old life. I’ve been holding this box in trust for you in preparation for this day. Good luck, and may the Goddess bless you and guide you on your journey.

  Baba Yaga

  PS. Tell Tiff-Tiff I know what she did. We’ll be having words about that later.

  “What does it say?” Tiff asked, standing up with her paws on Fern’s knee to get a better look.

  Fern read it aloud to her and then glared at her cat. “What the hell is going on? And what did you do to piss off Baba freaking Yaga?”

  “I did what I had to. If she doesn’t like it, she can bite my fuzzy black butt. And as to why I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. It was for your own protection, Fern. Keeping you safe has been my job for the last thirteen years, and what you needed to know couldn’t be discussed, not even in private. Too dangerous.”

  “Well, that’s not ominous at all. If this were the movie of the week, next you’d be telling me I’ve secretly been in the witch-ness protection all this time.”

  Tiff-Tiff hissed disdainfully. “Hardly. As if we’d entrust your safety to that bunch of wet-noodle warlocks.”

  “What?” Why in the name of magic and mojo would she be in that kind of danger?

  Tiff scampered out of reach, tail puffed to three times the normal size and ears flattened against her skull. “Calm down. You need to eat more ice cream before we continue this conversation.”

  “Excellent suggestion.” She devoured several more mouthfuls and waited for the decadent blend of booze, sugar and cream to work their special magic. Comfort eating might not be the best way to cope with emotional upheaval, but thanks to her witchy metabolism, she didn’t need to worry about calories. Bless the Goddess for that little gift.

  She set the bowl aside. She could do this. When Tiff wandered over to it, she flicked a couple of dark green sparks the cat’s way in warning. “Don’t even think about it. You’re in enough trouble already. I am seriously considering putting you back on kitty kibble.”

  “You wouldn’t!” Tiff might be a cat, but she considered kibble and canned cat foot to be culinary crimes.

  “Try me. You just told me you’ve been protecting me from something for half my life, and this is the first time it’s ever been mentioned.”

  “You set out one bowl of those desiccated demon turds, and I swear by the Goddess’s G-string I will puke in every shoe you own.”

  “Low blow. Shoes are supposed to be off-limits.” Fern would never do that to Tiff, and they both knew it, but the snarky banter was a welcome distraction from all the heavy news she’d been hit with. Feeling a little better, she tugged the lid off the tin and looked inside. It was filled with dark green and silver tissue paper.

  She had to dig through it for a few seconds before she found everything inside. There was a packet of documents, a bit of tissue wrapped in silver ribbon, and a child’s stuffed animal—a Siamese cat. Its fur was worn away in some spots, it was missing an ear, and it looked like the tail was lightly singed and blackened, but she cuddled it close as a wave of nostalgia and loss washed over her. “Shazzy!”

  “What do you remember?” Tiff asked, her voice soft and a little sad.

  “Just that I loved this stuffed animal so much when I was a kid. I dragged him everywhere.” She lifted the toy’s slightly melted tail. “I think I did this to him. I was trying to make him fly, and it didn’t go quite how I planned. I can’t believe I forgot about him.”

  She snuggled the toy under one arm and pulled out the paperwork. It was all bundled up with what looked like hand-spun wool, and the pages were yellowed with age. She dashed away a few stray tears with the back of her hand and skimmed over the top page, which wasn’t much more than a map to somewhere called Black Fin Bay and a picture of the welcome sign. There was the deed to a house, a birth certificate, and a stack of other legal documents, all in the name of… “Who the hell is Fern Summers, and why do I have all her stuff?”

  While she’d been reading, Tiff-Tiff had wandered back to her bed. The cat cracked open one eye. “You’re Fern Summers.”

  “Then why does it say Wilkinson on my driver’s licence and all my credit cards?”

  Oh Goddess. Did that mean her credit cards were fraudulent? Was she going to lose her platinum status? Her chest tightened, and she downed more of the ice cream to stave off panic. This couldn’t be happening.

  “All part of the plan to keep you hidden until it was time for you to go home again.”

  “If this is some elaborate birthday joke, kitty kibble will be the least of your worries, Tiff-Tiff.”

  “It’s not. Your parents asked me to protect you, and I have. They didn’t give me all the details because I didn’t need them. In fact, it was safer for me not to know. They didn’t want you to be alone in the world, Fern. They needed to know I’d look after you, and I have. I kept my promises.” She pointed a paw at the tissue-wrapped bundle. “There’s another message in there.”

  “Baba Yaga was part of a plan to keep me safe? From what? From whom? And why don’t I know anything about this?”

  “Because no way could a thirteen-year-old girl be trusted with secrets this big. Your
parents…they knew terrible things were coming. They made what arrangements they could in the short amount of time they had left.”

  “They knew?” She put down the papers and hugged the stuffed cat tighter. “We’ve never talked about this before.”

  “Because it wasn’t the right time. Now, it is. So, open the last of your presents and then I’ll tell you what I can.”

  Inside were a set of house keys on a tatty, hand-woven lanyard and a tiny key no bigger than her thumbnail. It was unadorned and simple, just a little bit of golden metal.

  “No message, just this.” She held the key up so Tiff-Tiff could see it. “Is it an old-timey safety deposit key? Does it unlock the world’s smallest treasure chest?”

  The locket she always wore around her neck warmed up and vibrated against her skin.

  “I’ll give you three guesses,” Tiff drawled. “First two don’t count.”

  The little gold locket someone had magically secured around her neck twitched and twisted on the end of its chain. “What the fuck is happening now?”

  “Remember when I told you not to add bling to that thing? This is why.” Even as Tiff spoke, the custom diamond setting she’d had added fell off. Diamonds scattered across the hardwood floor, revealing the single emerald set into the middle of a simple, heart-shaped pendant.

  “Crap! My diamonds!”

  “I’ll deal with them. You open the locket.”

  She moved the two objects closer together, and sure enough, both of them began to vibrate at what she swore was the same frequency. “Is this what’s supposed to happen?”